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Buy a Tesla And Never Get Laid Again
Research uncovers whether status symbols make people like you more or less.
There’s a 40-something guy my friends and I see around town who we call TeslaCel. He’s newly divorced and drives one of those post-apocalyptic, steel, cockroach abominations known as a Cybertruck. Every time we see him, we say, “There goes TeslaCel. He will never get laid driving that overcompensating steel turd.”
Recently, over brunch, we had a spirited debate about Mr. TeslaCel. One of my friends knew him and told us he bought his dystopian Mad Max monstrosity after Trump won. Since we live in a blue state, we all wondered — what single man in his right mind would buy a Tesla right now? That debate segued into an existentialist thought experiment, “What if you met a guy, really fell for him, and then found out he drove a Tesla? Would you still date him?”
The responses were swift and merciless. Most of my friends swore they would rather lick JD Vance’s hairy balls while listening to him recite bible verses than date a Tesla fanboy. (I apologize for the imagery.)
Others had qualifying questions — an affordable Model Y purchased before Musk went full-on Nazi Chainsaw Massacre? Passable. But a Cybertruck… naaaaaa, that’s a future restraining order.
