Satire for Some

Boston Welcomes the King’s Men

Take our special history tour and learn how Boston treats an invading army.

Paul Revere’s engraving of the Boston Massacre | Public Domain

Alright, listen up, you meatballs. Name’s Mikey. I’m your history tour guide for today’s Freedom Ride through Bahhston — the city that already evicted one unwanted army 250 years ago. I got my Sox cap, a large iced regular from Dunkin’, and a mouth that don’t shut up. So yeah, I’m qualified.

Mikey looks the young ICE recruits up and down.

Now, first things first…what the hell are you jokkahs wearin’? You ICE fellas all got those tactical vests, balaclavas, lookin’ like the world’s worst paintball team. You’re not savin’ hostages in Beirut, kid — you’re arrestin’ dishwashers in Chelsea at five in the mornin’. At least the last invadin’ army had the decency to wear bright red freakin’ jackets. You knew who you were shootin’ at.

You clowns? You look like Party City ran outta Halloween costumes and all that was left was ‘Discount SWAT Team.’ It’s wicked retaaaarded. (And I can say “retarded” now because your woke police said I could. You gotta problem? Leave your complaints with the fired government employees.)

Here’s the deal, my ICE buds. You don’t just roll into Bahhston like you own the joint. Nah. This ain’t some…